Postal III
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Unfortunately I saw this too many times.

Welcome to my Postal III review. What awaits those who believe in this running with scissors production? What awaits those who spent over 30 bucks? The answer is simple: nothing good.

Postal III can be described in 3 words: buggy, boring and bad.

Well then, how should I start?

Ah..of course. Postal III is bad. It’s just really bad. It’s so “badly” bad, it’s not even funny.

I watched the trailer and got the feeling I was going to have a blast playing a sort of Out-Law, boundarie breaking game with humor twists… something to break the routine and so without a second thought, I went for it and this is what I experienced:

Chapter 1: Configuring the un-configurable.

There I was, waiting for the somehow long loading screen to just disappear and watching some random guy’s photo and reading his biography when the Menu finally appeared. I immediately clicked "Options" and went to customize the controls. They were set by default with the keyboard keys and the mouse and since I have the amazing Microsoft XBOX 360 Controller and I suck at “keyboarding”, I tried to change the configurations.

Yeah, you read it correctly. “Tried” is the correct word. When I was done configuring the movement keys and scrolled down for the Action keys, the movement keys magically reset themselves. After minutes of struggling, I managed to configure everything and apply the settings.

I then went to have a little peek at the Video Options. Almost all were set as “high” except the “AA” and Resolution so I went and changed those to my liking. Boom. Game crashes.

“Awww, it happens” – I thought to myself. I started the game again and the Video Options were saved but the controls were back to default. Some … faulty words came out of my mouth but I did configure the controls all over again. All was set. I could finally hit “New Game”.

Chapter 2: Someone gives up.

The game starts with a 3/4 minutes long cut-scene with some boring jokes, explaining “Dude’s” – the main character – story. I was able to identify some jokes but for some reason no laugh came out of my mouth. Not even a quarter of a smile filled my face. I believe that my face cheeks didn’t even move at all.

Anyway, the game finally started. I found myself at a bridge full of zombies after some 2 or three cut-scenes with tutorial instructions. There was a deep hole on the bridge, I repeat, a DEEP hole on the bridge with 3 zombies and I was supposed to splash gasoline and then throw matches to set the Zombies on fire.

I had to look down to splash the gasoline and that’s when I realized the “look-around” keys weren’t working. “Damn.” – I said. “I have to dive into that control menu again.

I dove into it and everything seemed fine. I had selected the correct gamepad keys and the game recognized them because THEY WERE SET but for some reason, in-game when I pressed them, nothing happen. Fortunately I noticed I could still use the mouse to look around and so I managed to set on fire two of the zombies.

Yeah, just two. No matter what I did, the god damn third zombie wouldn’t burn. I splashed and splashed gasoline and threw and threw matches but nothing would happen…until he magically disappeared. I guess the game gave up on me. Should have been the opposite by that time but I kept reminding myself of my task. Did I mention that until the task was over Dude kept saying “My mother told me not to play with fire, but I hate my mother” over and over again? What, they were already out of good jokes?

Chapter 3: Who said Postal III was going to be easy?

After the awesome experience of burning zombies, I had another task: throw pepper spray on cop’s faces and break their necks. Easier said than done.

I started throwing the special pepper spray when they started shooting and my health went from full to almost empty in a matter of….a minute. Our Dude is really strong against bullets but not strong enough for a player like me. Someone who uses the mouse to look around and the gamepad to walk and shoot.

Eventually, I died and went to a loading screen. I thought to myself “Darn. I hope I don’t have to start this all over again!” and immediately the game crashed to the desktop. “Ah, you’re joking right?! There’s no way I am touching this game EVER AGAIN. This game is a joke” – but a few minutes later my hand took over me and double clicked on the icon and it all began again.

Chapter 4: Skipping is the secret.

In case you’re wondering, I did not have to start everything again. I was back at the pepper spray…in one piece.

I managed to kill the cops by just playing with the keyboard and putting aside my brilliant, beautiful, trustworthy Microsoft XBOX 360 controller.

Chapter 1 of the game had ended. What a wonderful experience I’d had so far.

Chapter 2’s task was to help clean a Porn establishment. The floor was covered of…peculiar tissues and my task was to vacuum them to later throw them at some protestants who came barking about rights and stuff like that.

I was so bored vacuuming the tissues. I could not stand doing that anymore. The game was lagging but I didn’t dare to touch the Video Options. I couldn’t risk a random crash and having to start that boring task anyway. Whose idea was that, anyway?

After some really good time, a cut-scene started, introducing the beautiful protestants and now I was supposed to kick’em out by throwing the tissues at them. There were so many, so many and the game was lagging and lagging so much that I had like 20 FPS until it crashed again.

I went into a rage until, after loading, I realized I was not on that part anymore. I was now on the streets killing HIV infected cats. It was the second time that I magically skipped a torture.

Chapter 5: You just need to kill the cats…but can you?

Errrr god. Now I was supposed to throw catnip at the HIV cats to impale them and then kill them. There were at least 7 cats. I MANAGED to kill 2. I couldn’t kill the others, no matter what. Why?

Well after you kicked the cats (the only way I found to cause damage) they would start spinning like crazy and transform into a small tornado that would deplete your health. The problem is, they wouldn’t stop spinning anymore. Only one of them stopped and no matter how many kicks I gave him, he just wouldn’t die.

That’s when I decided it was time to say good-bye to Postal III and this concludes my little story. You can see I had a really good time.

Postal III is a buggy, no, very buggy game with unattractive visuals and horrible humor. I had an awful time. I did not enjoy myself and even if there was something to enjoy, the bugs just wouldn’t allow it.

Don’t buy Postal III. I consider it to be…Very Bad. /P

 

 

AH! So thats from where the tissues came from!