Imma kill ye, ye ornery bastard

Oh, howdy there, partners. I didn’t hear ye come in. Ought not sneak up on a feller with a gun strapped to his hip.

The name’s Silas Greaves. I’m s’posin’ you stopped by to hear me prattle on about that there new vid-ya computer game the fine cowpokes at Techland made about my gun slingin’ adventurin’. I think they scrawled Call of Juarez: Gunslinger across its face, but I reckon I don’t ken to the idea of “Call of Juarez,” since my story ain’t never crossed roads with them other vid-ya games that came ‘fore it. But them folks’re from a place called Poland, which lies somewhere over the great Atlantic Ocean, so I reckon I don’t quite ken to their ways.

There’s been a bushel of ballyhooin’ about my life in them there pulp novels, and most of it came straight outta my horse’s backside. If ye keep Kentucky’s finest, darkest brown bourbon flowin’ in front of me, I reckon I can share the righteous truth with ye.

My new vid-ya computer game sets straight the record of events. See, I spent the grand portion of my cantankerous existence as a bounty hunter. I started out as quite the ornery cuss, ridin’ with gangs and doin’ all sorts-a misdeeds. A scalawag named Roscoe “Bob” Bryant done me and mine a great wrong many years ago, and I made up my mind to get my revenge on that ol’ bastard. I spent my days huntin’ ol’ Bob, but a man’s gotta make a livin’ somehow, so I got in the bounty huntin’ business.

Now, I reckon I don’t give a frog’s hoppin’ fanny what other folks say is the truth… I was there and I know what I seen and who I done killed. The God’s-honest truth ‘bout the fate-a legendary outlaws like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Billy the Kid, Jesse James, Ike Clanton, and Johnny Ringo have been spun into an acre of falsehoods by other folks’ books and movin’ pictures (I reckon you call ‘em moo-vees). Call of Juarez: Gunslinger is my story the way I recall it happenin’. I don’t always get the tales right the first time, but I reckon they always end up right by the end. And the stories are as knee-slappin’ hi-larious as a three-tailed cat in a room full-a rockin’ chairs, so it has somethin’ for everyone.

I done tried out the game myself, and I’m here to tell ye that it plays as smooth as the thigh of a $20 whore. Each chapter of the vid-ya game is fast and focused, and never makes ye meander ‘round or suffer them dag-blamed fetch quests or other needless doin’s. As ye blast yer way through heaps-a mercenaries, banditos, and injuns, ye earn skill points to upgrade yer skillfulness with six-shooters, long guns, and scatter guns. These upgrades come fast and furious, so ye never feel bored, and yer always earnin’ new talents. Now, the entire affair only lasts ‘bout 4-5 hours, but it’s a tight, rambunctious 4-5 hours, and I gar-un-tee you’ll want to start it again when ye reach the conclusion. And if ye start again, ye can play with all yer skills from the first time. Yee-haw!

Now, I been readin’ on them there interwebs that some people don’t take kindly to my vid-ya game’s gra-fixes. But listen here, folks: this game can be dad-gummed purty as a little girl in her Sunday dress, with its fancy lightin’ and detailed en-vi-ro-ments. It’s true that summa them textures can be downright messy, but that’s only if you look too close at ‘em. But watchin’ the blood spray outta a bandit’s noggin’ as I put some extry holes in his ugly face never gets old. I reckon the people that speak ill of the vid-ya game’s gra-fixes don’t care for the cartoony style… the game’s stuck itself between a real picture and a cartoony picture, and some people don’t take kindly to that sort-a style mix-up. But I’ll be jiggered iffin’ I didn’t find it mighty charmin’ and colorful. But if ye want the God’s-honest truth, them folks at Techland probably gave the vid-ya game this style to hide the shortcomin’s of its Chrome Engine 5, which is gettin’ older’n a nag mule on a stud farm.

Lessin’ ye want me to hunt ye down and brand ye a stinky cuss, ye better be gettin’ Call of Juarez: Gunslinger soon as ye hitch up yer horse. Not only is it a barrel-a fun, but it takes the shooter vid-ya game genre back to its humble beginnin’s of simple, fast-paced arcadey action. And at only $15 American, ye’d be a damned fool not to give her a whirl.

Hey, ol’ Silas wouldn’t lie to ya, would he?

Bullet, meet brain